Stories: Leslie Hardin

CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SEXUAL ASSAULT AND VIOLENCE.

Leslie Hardin is one of many veterans from a military family. Her father served in WWII, and after high school Leslie followed his footsteps into the Army Reserve in 1980.

Leslie’s experience in boot camp was everything she’d hoped for. Camaraderie, challenges, and exciting work. She describes the joy of teamwork, being pushed to achieve her best. The experience was so positive that after basic training Leslie enlisted in active service, ready to make a career in the Army.

But among Leslie’s many positive experiences, there was also a terrible crime. One night off-base, two men in uniform raped Leslie. She couldn’t identify the rapists, and did not report the assault. In the intensity of basic training, Leslie soldiered on. She tried to tough it out. At the shooting range the next day, Leslie, usually a crack shot, missed every target for the first time in her training.

Sexual assault is a recurring crime in military settings. Sexual violence is disproportionally committed by men against women, but both men and women commit assaults and both men and women are targeted. In absolute terms, most victims are male. But across the 20th and 21st century, the American soldier was increasingly likely to be a woman. They have been met with a variety of sexual violence. Acknowledging, preventing, and offering justice for this violence has been a painfully slow process, still incomplete. These crimes are complicated by the structure of the military itself: hierarchy, bureaucracy, and a culture that emphasizes cohesion.

This infographic from NSVRC reveals that, in absolute terms, more male soldiers suffer sexual assault on an annual basis. But proportionally women in the military are many times more likely to survive an assault during their service.

One of the perverse consequences of this culture is that sexual assault survivors frequently fear reporting their experience, and blame themselves for the criminal assault they suffered.

For years, Leslie did not talk about being raped. She focused on her job. She considered the assault a one-off, something best put in the past. Just weeks after being raped, Leslie enlisted for active service. She ended up serving at the same base, helping to train new recruits in their own boot camp experiences.

Yet over the coming years, Leslie survived sexual assault again and again. She counts a total of seven assaults over her four years of service. Far from an unfortunate one-off that could be ignored and forgotten, Leslie’s military experience was overwhelmed by sexual assault and trauma.

MST is the military’s designation for Military Sexual Trauma. Like combat and other intense and excruciating experiences, MST can lead to lasting or fatal mental illness. But the same culture that permits sexual assault also makes it extremely difficult to quantify and correct: Every year, thousands of assaults are officially reported, but studies estimate that these are only a small fraction of what actually occurs, perhaps as little as a quarter.

Assaults go unreported because survivors fear, correctly, the stigma of seeking justice within the close-knit community of a military unit. Over time, Leslie found herself increasingly isolated and friendless. She never officially reported the assaults she suffered, yet rumors found their way around her base. She was labelled a troublemaker. And increasingly, she blamed herself.

Like all mental health problems, the effects of trauma do not go away on their own. After years of service, silence, and survival, Leslie was more alone than ever. Lacking adequate support from her military community, she tried to help herself. Leslie started using recreational drugs. Next she went AWOL, seeking shelter with a sister living in Detroit. Then she came back. Time and again, Leslie broke military regulations and was reprimanded, docked pay and grade. Again and again, Leslie came back and worked harder than ever, earning back her promotions. That she came back at all is incredible, but Leslie still reminisces about the joy of the service: feeling part of a team, joining new recruits on drills and morning runs. She enjoyed helping them learn, watching them grow.

After four years of service, Leslie ended it. She was honorably discharged. But like many veterans she found herself unprepared for civilian life. A rushed and unhappy marriage complicated things before quickly ending. Things fell apart.

Now, years later, Leslie wishfully imagines something like “Un-boot Camp.” Some sort of transition training for an adult civilian life that she had not experienced before. More recently, 1-3 days of transition training is available to discharging soldiers, but this can fall woefully short of undoing the psychological changes effected by boot camp and years of military service.

What happened to Leslie was tragically predictable. Unpracticed in civilian life, still suffering the wounds of trauma, Leslie experienced homelessness. She used illicit drugs to self-medicate. She was unable to control her temper, infuriated by minor setbacks, quick to become combative. And she was in store for plenty of challenges in her quest to seek aid from the Veteran’s Administration.

The VA serves the nation’s veterans, providing vital services and life-changing benefits. In the years after Leslie’s service, it became both a battlefield and a home. She knew that she needed help. And she knew that she deserved it. The massive VA, with endless forms and intricate bureaucracy, challenged her to justify her needs.

It took years. Leslie’s sanity and her credibility were both questioned. But at last, Leslie found herself in an eight-week program for veterans with PTSD. She secured housing on the VA grounds in West Haven. She also received a letter from the army, acknowledging her sexual assaults and returning the pay docked during her troubled period of service. This acknowledgment helped to lift a powerful stigma just as PTSD treatment gave Leslie the tools to become herself again.

As Leslie describes it, her experience at the VA didn’t make her into a new person. Instead, it helped her become her old self again. She completed treatment able to talk about her experience, rightfully proud of herself, ready to reclaim her life and work to make her community a better one.

Anyone interested in learning more should refer to the resources linked to in this article, or contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673)

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